THE PROTAGONIST

• From time to time I like to dance naked in front of men, how do you feel about that?
• I hate taking it slow, if I were to choose you, how long would you wait before you kissed me?
• In Greece we have this idea of a woman being a ‘conquest’- how do you feel about that?
• If you were me, which one of the other Bachelors, beside yourself, would you choose and why?
• What’s something that your ex has of yours that you want back?
• I really appreciate a feminine side in men, from a scale of 1 to 10, how feminine do you think you are and why?

• I think neurotic is sexy, what do you find sexy and why?

• Being an artist is my way of exploring my boundaries and discovering again and again who I am. What is the thing you would never want me to do?
• I love farting in bed, do you wake up easily?

• I like to pretend I am your thirteen-year-old cousin in bed. How do you like to pretend you are and why?

• I am relentlessly romantic and yet very promiscuous. Most people think this is a contradiction. What is it about you that people find contradictory?

• I like to be patronised in bed, what would you do to please me?

• I would like to choose a girl from the audience that will be up for kissing all three of you and tell me who is the best kisser.

• I am obsessed with being obsessed and people that are obsessed. What is your favourite obsession?
  

• What is Uralic and are you turned on by it?

This is the Script I wrote back in January when The Do It All Dating Game was just a dream. On Tuesday it will be a reality and probably quite different (especially since the cast of characters will be entirely different). 

 The Do It All Dating Game - Script

Stage is illuminated, spotlights swivel around stage area. Theme song plays (this tune: http://paulettenichols.bandcamp.com/track/do-it-all-dating-game with lyrics written and sung by Paulette Nichols)

 Projection Screen illuminates and John appears, introducing himself as the host of the show.

                                                            John

                        Welcome to the Do-It-All Dating Game, I’m your host John

                        Kilduff, otherwise known as Mr. Let’s Paint! I’m joining you via                                       
                        cyberspace all the way from Sunny California. Tonight we have

                        some very special guests who will be putting their multi-tasking

                        skills to the test all in the name of love. But first I want to introduce

                        you to my lovely assistant Oriana.

 Oriana enters stage wearing something snazzy like Vanna White, smiling and waiving.

                                                            John

                        Oriana is going to introduce you to this evening’s eligible

                        bachelors…

                                                            Oriana

                        Thank you Mr. Let’s Paint. Tonight we have with us a very manly

                        group of bachelors, let’s meet them.

Bachelor Number 1 spotlight is illuminated and he waives and smiles. Applause from audience.

                                                            Oriana cont’d

                        Bachelor number one is a graphic designer originally from London.

                        He describes himself as a quirky romantic, he enjoys warm waves, cool                              
                        breezes and existential philosophy…give a warm welcome to Robert  Bowes.

Bachelor Number 2 spotlight is illuminated, he waives and smiles. Applause from audience.

                                                            Oriana cont’d

                        Bachelor No. 2 lives here in Nottingham and one of his favourite

                        places is The Broadway. A martial arts instructor with a sensitive side,

                        he can’t live without a good cup of tea and his dog Sparky. Say hello

                        to Paul Chappel.

Bachelor Number 3 spotlight is illuminated, he waives and smiles. Applause from audience.

                                                            Oriana cont’d

                        And last but certainly not least, Bachelor No 3 is a school teacher from                              
                        Liverpool - we ladies love those Scouse accents. He’s a junky for politics                                 

                        and loves the opportunity to rally for causes and campaigns, Ken Murray.

Applause.

                                                            Oriana cont’d

                        Over to you John.

                                                            John

                        Now to prevent our bachelorette from hearing anything about our

                        bachelors, we’ve kept her in isolation backstage. Let’s find out

                        out more about her before we bring her on stage…She’s from Newcastle

                        and works as an advertising executive. She’s also a keen singer and is

                        a member of her community chorus. She says she’s tired of dating                                      

                        wimps and needs someone who can step up and be a man. Welcome     
                        Shelley Smithson.

Bachelorette comes to the stage, stands by Oriana who shakes her hand. Bachelorette then smiles/waives at audience. Applause from audience.

                                                            Oriana

                        Hi Shelley how are you? What does a guy have to do to prove

                        he’s the man for you?

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Well, Oriana I’m a very strong, independent woman and a lot

                        of guys are intimidated by that.

                                                            Oriana

                        Oh, I know honey, you don’t have to tell me.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        So I need a man that can handle me.

                                                            Oriana

                        Well, you’ve come to the right place Shelley, we’ve got

                        three eligible and capable bachelors here for you and we’re going to

                        put them to the test.

                                                            John

                        That’s right. Our three bachelors are not only going to be

                        answering your questions Shelley, but they’ll also be

                        exercising, drawing and making sandwiches.

                                                            Oriana

                        I hope you boys are ready for this creative cardio-challenge!

The three bachelors jump on their mini-trampolines.

                                                            John

                        So we’ll get back to bachelor number one to say hello to Shelley.

                                                            Bachelor No 1

                        Hey there Shelley. I’ve got a pastrami on rye coming up for you

                        right here.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Sounds great.

Applause.

                                                            John

                        And bachelor number 2…

                                                            Bachelor No. 2

                        Hi Shelley, this is bachelor number 2, if you need someone strong

                        who can go the distance, then I’m the man for you.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Wow, hi bachelor number 2.

                                                            John

                        Bachelor number 3 say hi to Shelley.

                                                            Bachelor No. 3

                        Good evening Shelley. I’m going to be drawing a picture of the

                        Breath-takingly beautiful spot I’ll be taking you to on our first

                        romantic getaway.

Applause.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Oooh, sounds lovely, nice to meet you bachelor number 3.

                                                            John

                        Alright gentlemen, good luck to you. Shelley let’s play the dating game.

Applause.       

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Ok bachelor no 1, I’m wood and you’re sandpaper, tell me the sound I                              

                        make when you rub me the wrong way.

                                                            Bachelor No. 1

                        I’d only rub you the wrong way if you wanted it baby. So I imagine

                        It would sound something like (in a falsetto voice) oooh oh, that’s

                        the spot!

Hooting and applause.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Ok. (giggles and covers face in embarrassment) Bachelor no. 2, what’s                              

                        your secret to beautiful skin?       

                                                            Bachelor No. 2

                        Well, I was born with good skin, but to keep it that way I need

                        you beside me, keeping me blushing.

Aw-ing and applause.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        I’ve often been compared to Princess Diana because of my

                        poise and charitable nature, which member of the royal family

                        have you been compared to and why?

                                                            Bachelor No. 3

                        Thankfully, I’ve never been compared with any members of the royal                                

                        wooed Kate, I’m going to woo you.

                                                            John

                        All this talk of wooing, Oriana let’s see how they’re doing.

Oriana approaches the bachelors.

                                                            Oriana

                        Well, John it looks like all three bachelors are breaking into a sweat

                        here. Bachelor No. one how’s that sandwich coming along?

Oriana makes some small talk with each one with John adding in the odd comment.

                                                            John

                        I think it’s time for the next round of questions Shelley.

Oriana goes back to Bachelorette side.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Bachelor No. 2, you are a Carnival Leader standing outside Bachelor No. 1’s tent, let’s hear about the bizarre things I’ll experience if I step inside.

                                                            Bachelor No. 2

                        Ladies and gentlemen step right up! In the corner you will see the Thinnest Man on earth as he wrestles with his B.L.T., sweating profusely and trying to draw what looks like a bun, behold bachelor number one.

Laughs and applause.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Thank you. Bachelor No. 1 same question about Bachelor No. 2.

                                                            Bachelor No. 1

                        Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up and behold this man

                        is stuck in 1985, he looks like Ferris Beuller, he’s obsessed with John Hughes movies and he thinks Margaret Thatcher is still the Prime Minister.

Laughs and applause.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Bachelor No. 3, now I know you’re not a Scotsman, but if you were you’d wear a kilt. Tell me some of the joys of skirt-wearing for men.

                                                            Bachelor No. 3

                        Well Lassie, if I were a Scotsman I’d be enjoying the breeze right now from bouncing up and down on this trampoline and the audience would

                        be amazed when they catch a glimmer of my manhood.

Hooting and applause. The show would continue as such. (We have to decide how much time to give to questions). A sound cue will signal the end of the question round.

                                                            John

                        That sound means we’re out of time on the question round. Thanks for those very thought-provoking and revealing questions Shelley.

                                                            Oriana

                        You’ve got a tough choice to make Shelley.

                                                            Bachelorette

                        I sure do.

                                                            Oriana

                        These guys are really standing up to the challenge though.

                                                            John

                        Yes, indeed Oriana. But maybe we can help Shelley make her decision a little more easily. Now it’s time for our bachelors to supply their sandwiches for a taste-test. Let’s see whether or not the way into Shelley’s heart is through her stomach.

                                                            Oriana

                        Mmm. Good idea John. Now you bachelors can keep busy making some finishing touches on your drawings.

                                                            John

                        Keep going bachelors, show Shelley what you’ve got!

Oriana retrieves sandwiches from the Bachelors, placing them on plates on a tray with toothpick flags stating Bachelor numbers to avoid confusion. Bachelorette tastes each one and makes comments. John also makes comments in response to the appearance of the sandwiches and the look on the bachelorette’s face as she tastes them.

                                                            John

                        For our final round, gentlemen it’s time to reveal your creative side. Let’s give Shelley a peek at those drawings.    

Oriana goes and retrieves each drawing from bachelors, placing blank covering sheet with bachelor numbers over each one. An easel is set up near the Bachelorette for Oriana to display them on.

                                                            John

                        Which masterpiece will capture Shelley’s attention? Will it be bachelor No. 1’s!?

Oriana removes the covering sheet from top drawing and holds arms out framing the drawing (as if on ‘The Price is Right’). The audience ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’ fixated on the bachelorette’s reactions. John comments on drawings and her reactions.

                                                            John

                        Will it be Bachelor No. 2’s?

Oriana reveals No. 2’s drawing.

                                                            John

                        Or will Bachelor No. 3’s drawing open Shelley’s eyes to love?

Oriana reveals No. 3’s drawing.

                                                            John

                        Which is your favourite Shelley?

                                                            Shelley

                        Well, it’s a tough choice, but I like bachelor No.1’s drawing the best.

                                                            John

                        Nice choice, but will your two hearts beat as one?

                                                            Oriana

                        Let’s take a pulse check gentlemen while Shelley can take some time

                        to mull over her decision…

                                                            John

                        Gentleman step of off your trampolines and find your pulse.

Ticking clock sound begins and runs for 30 seconds. Meanwhile John explains the details of how high verses low pulse rate indicates health.

                                                            Oriana

                        Bachelor No. 1, tell me your count.

They run through the numbers one at a time.

                                                            John

                        Now that you know all the facts Shelley, you’ve got to make your selection. Will it be Bachelor No 1?

Applause.

                                                            John cont’d

                        Or Bachelor No. 2?

Applause

                                                            John cont’d

                        Or will it be Bachelor No 3?

                                                            Shelley

                        They all sound wonderful but I’m gonna go with Bachelor No. 1

                                                            John

                        Number 1.                              

Applause.

                                                            John cont’d

                        Why bachelor no. 1, what did he do or say to get you interested?

                                                            Shelley

                        Well, I liked his painting and his answer to the questions, he

                        sounded very spontaneous and I like that.

                                                            John

                        Ok, well before you meet him, let’s introduce you to the two

                        gentlemen you didn’t choose. Bachelor No. 2 lives locally and

                        is a martial arts instructor with a sensitive side. His name is Paul

                        Chappel. Come on out Paul!

Bachelor No. 2 comes and greets Bachelorette with a kiss on the cheek.

                                                            Oriana

                        Thanks for coming on the show Paul.

Oriana indicates for him to steps to the side.

                                                            John

                        And you didn’t choose Bachelor No. 3, he’s a school teacher from                                     

                        Liverpool and a junky for politics. He’s Ken Murray. Come on out

                        Ken.

Bachelor No. 3 comes and gives Bachelorette a hug.

                                                            Oriana

                        Hi Ken, thanks for your efforts, better luck next time!

Oriana takes his arm and leads him to a spot next to Bachelor No. 2.

                                                            John

                        He seems rather dejected, doesn’t he?

                                                            Bachelorette

                        Awe.

                                                            Oriana

                        Well, he shouldn’t be… because he and Bachelor No. 2 aren’t

                        going home completely empty-handed. They’ll each receive

                        our consolation prizes, these 100% cotton T-shirts with Mr. Let’s

                        Paint’s motto “Embrace Failure”.

                                                            John

                        Words of wisdom boys, take them to heart. Now Shelley, you did choose Bachelor No. 1, before he comes out let me tell you about him. Bachelor

                        number one is a graphic designer originally from London. He describes himself as a quirky romantic, he enjoys warm waves, cool breezes and existential philosophy. His name is Robert Bowes. Come out Robert!

Bachelor No. 1 comes out and kisses bachelorette on the cheek.

                                                            Oriana

                        Congratulations Robert!

                                                            John

                        We’re going to send you guys on a great date.

Oriana or John gives details of date.

                                                            John cont’d

                        Congratulations to Shelley and Robert! I hope you have a swell time on                             

                        that fantastic evening for two. Relax and enjoy the delights of Nottingham.

                        Thanks to all our guests and to my lovely assistant Oriana. And remember

                        folks…

John will adlib parting words leading to the interval between rounds.

                                                            John con’td

                        Let’s give a final round of applause to the happy couple.

Applause.

20 min Interval. This will allow John and Oriana to prepare introduction paragraphs for new contestants.

More About Do It All Date Eirini...

The Set-up

• The three contestants who are competing to win a date will be multi-tasking, this will involve jogging on a mini-trampoline, while drawing on easel and making sandwiches. The main bachelor/bachelorette will be seated comfortably with a microphone to ask questions of the three competitors. To replicate traditional dating games, the participants will be separated from the main bachelor/bachelorette by a screen or curtain.
• The audience will be in tiered seating.
• John Kilduff will host the show via cyberspace on his regular daily show ‘Let’s Paint TV’ on www.stickam.com. His image will be projected on a large screen above the main stage area and his voice will be amplified on speakers. 
• Oriana will be physically present to co-host the event.

I saw a couple of films at the Lesbian & Gay Film Festival at the BFI last night: Mutantes (Porn Punk Feminism) by Virginie Despentes and Too Much Pussy: Feminist Sluts in The Queer X Show by Emilie Jouvet. Both were documentaries about women who have taken ownership of their sexuality through sex-work and/or the creation of their own pornography and performance art. The former film contextualises the queer punk scene of the 90s and 00s as following on from the 80s pro-sex feminist movement championed by figures like Annie Sprinkle, Scarlot Harlot and Candida Royalle. Tthe latter film follows seven women as they toured Europe in 2008 as the Queer X Show which is mentioned in Mutantes. I was disappointed that these films didn't shed a lot of new light on these subjects for me. It's great to see that films about these women are being made, however I would have prefered if the films had been analytical instead of simply celebratory. With Mutantes for example, so many fascinating performers and academics were interviewed, but only superficially and the overwhelming message conveyed was that the binary of madonna/whore has been overturned and that active female sexuality as exemplified by the prostitute is now the valorised role. For me, what is far more interesting and useful is that the work of sex-positive feminists such as Annie Sprinkle and cohort conveys a much more complicated relationship that can't be reduced to a binary at all. Shannon Bell's book Reading, writing, and rewriting the prostitute body provides a compelling argument around the work of Sprinkle, Royalle and Harlot.

I often feel disappointed if not outright alienated by mainstream representations of women and their sexuality. So many films fail to pass the 'Bechdel Test' which asks: 

1. Does the film have at least two women in it?

2. Who [at some point] talk to each other?

3. About something besides a man? 

Both of the films I saw last night passed this test with flying colours. So it made me feel rather hypocritical when I found myself thinking 'why can't these women on screen be talking about desires for men?' As a straight woman watching a lesbian film, is it inevitable that I would feel left out? I know the answer to that question is 'no' because Monika Treut's Virgin Machine is one of my favourite films. Maybe a more apt question is, why does it seem I can only find 'better'/ more accurate representations of female desire in queer cinema?

____________________

As an aside, one of the performances in Too Much Pussy the artist was dressed in a cherry red vinyl suit and matching stilettos with a mask over her head lying limp for what I anticipated would be an S&M striptease, but she got up, revealed her face and started shouting "I don't remember what I look like!". She quickly broke out her tripod and camera to snap some self-portraits. Then she got out her computer in a near-hysterical fit trying to update her facebook, twitter and myspace pages. I couldn't help but laugh in recognition of that feeling, the narcissistic compulsion to document oneself at all moments - especially a performance - as if all that matters is that it happened so I can update my blog now.  

Another aside, there was one T-shirt in each film which seems worth remembering. Scarlot Harlot had a shirt that said "SLUTS UNITE!" and one of the QueerXShow ladies was sporting a threadbare top that said "More Whores, No Wars". 

I am working with The Cutting Room to bring you the interactive live performance, the 'Do-It-All Dating Game' at Nottingham Contemporary on 12 April at 7pm and Q&A at NTU live on 14th April at Newton Lecture Theatre 6-8pm

I just attended a short seminar on Feminist Art Manifestos led by Katy Deepwell at the ICA. The list of Feminist (Art) Manifestos she presented is long and makes evident the varying and often contradictory definitions of feminism and feminist art there are in existence. The ideas put forward within these texts are as diverse as their authors, therefore the strategies advocated therein are equally varied. After reading through excerpts from numerous texts, Deepwell suggested that as we continue our research into this phenomenon and read these texts in greater depth, it is useful to question who is being defined as the enemy and who is described as a friend to the cause.

See n.paradoxa's website to find links to feminist manifestos available online.